The Onion

Election Touchscreen Map Takes Deeper Look Inside Key Swing Voter | Onion News Network

Published on 2024-11-04

The Elderly Vote | American Voter

Published on 2024-11-02

New Trump Ad Shows Montage Of People He’ll Kill If Elected | Onion News Network

Published on 2024-10-31 | Archived on 2024-11-02

The Immigrant Vote | American Voter

Published on 2024-10-29 | Archived on 2024-10-30

U.S. Deploys Socially Awkward Men Along Border To Deter Migrants

Published on 2024-10-28 | Archived on 2024-10-29

The One Percent | American Voter

Published on 2024-10-25 | Archived on 2024-10-25

Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything | Onion Now: Focus

Published on 2024-10-24 | Archived on 2024-10-28

‘New York Times’ To Cease Publication

Published on 2024-10-23 | Archived on 2024-10-24

Trump Vows To Outlaw Electricity To Secure Powerful Amish Vote | Onion News Network

Published on 2024-10-21 | Archived on 2024-10-28

Voters Warned Ballots Flushed Down Toilet Will No Longer Be Counted | Onion News Network

Published on 2024-10-17 | Archived on 2024-10-17

Mayor Explains Why He Changed City Named After Slave-Owning Founder To Salami Town

Published on 2024-10-15

JD Vance Under Fire For Resurfaced Remarks Criticizing Childless Children | Onion News Network

Published on 2024-10-08

God's Penis Visible In Night Sky For First Time In Millennia | Onion News Network

Published on 2024-09-30 | Archived on 2024-10-28

9/11 Truther Questions Why There Were Two Huge Bullseyes Painted On Side Of Twin Towers

Published on 2024-09-11 | Archived on 2024-09-13

Trump Tries To Rattle Harris By Turning Eyelids Inside Out

Published on 2024-09-11 | Archived on 2024-09-16

Horrified Taylor Swift Realizes Football Happens Every Year

Published on 2024-09-09 | Archived on 2024-10-09

The Onion Reviews 'The Fast And The Furious'

Published on 2024-09-03 | Archived on 2024-10-01

Hormel Introduces New Chili Formula For Mothers Who Can’t Produce Own Chili

Published on 2024-08-27 | Archived on 2024-09-28

Activist Explains Initiative To Provide Safe Housing To Electric Scooters

Published on 2024-08-26 | Archived on 2024-08-27

Study Finds Repeatedly Patting Thighs Still Remains Best Way To Get Sat On

Published on 2024-08-20 | Archived on 2024-09-20

Join America’s Finest Membership

Published on 2024-08-19 | Archived on 2024-08-20

Democrats Panic After Kamala Harris Ages 40 Years In Single Night

Published on 2024-08-19 | Archived on 2024-08-21

The Onion is set to deliver an important announcement about the future of journalism.

Published on 2024-08-15 | Archived on 2024-08-16

Dr. Scholl’s Recalls All Products After Announcing Only Way To Fix Flat Feet Is With Eugenics

Published on 2024-08-13 | Archived on 2024-08-14

R. Kelly Petitions Supreme Court To Watch Him Pee

Published on 2024-08-12 | Archived on 2024-09-11

Man Can’t Believe How Much Disney World Charging For Sex With Goofy

Published on 2024-08-06 | Archived on 2024-08-07

Female Competitive Drowner Explains Why Trans Athletes Should Not Compete In Competitive Drowning

Published on 2024-08-01 | Archived on 2024-08-02

Female Competitive Drowner Explains Why Trans Athletes Should Not Compete In Competitive Drowning

Published on 2024-08-01 | Archived on 2024-08-02

Study Finds Exercise May Help Alzheimer’s Patients Look Hot

Published on 2024-07-30 | Archived on 2024-08-07

The Onion Film Standard: Deadpool & Wolverine

Published on 2024-07-25 | Archived on 2024-07-26

Idiot Tornado Tears Harmlessly Through Empty Field

Published on 2024-07-24 | Archived on 2024-07-25

Facebook Announces Human Trafficking Now Allowed On Marketplace

Published on 2024-07-22 | Archived on 2024-07-24

Congress Bans Roofs

Published on 2024-07-15 | Archived on 2024-07-19

Catholic Church Courts Youth By Adding Badass Deity With Robotic Falcon Head

Published on 2024-07-08 | Archived on 2024-07-09

Taylor Swift Under Fire For Leaving Idling Plane Double-Parked Outside Store

Published on 2024-07-02 | Archived on 2024-07-05

Google Announces Everyone’s Got To Chill With These Depressing Inquiries

Published on 2024-06-30 | Archived on 2024-07-01

Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus

Published on 2024-06-28 | Archived on 2024-07-14

Mortified Baby Hopes No One Notices She Shit Herself In Grocery Store

Published on 2024-06-26 | Archived on 2024-07-14

Florida Students Given Lifelike Dolls To Simulate Responsibility Of Owning Slave

Published on 2024-05-13 | Archived on 2024-06-08

Special Orders Chefs Hate The Most And Why

Published on 2024-04-06 | Archived on 2024-04-10

Hobby Lobby Announces It Muslim Now

Published on 2024-03-29 | Archived on 2024-04-06

Hobby Lobby Announces It Muslim Now

Published on 2024-03-27 | Archived on 2024-04-28

Women Explain How They’d Like To Have Their Bodies Restricted Next

Published on 2024-03-26 | Archived on 2024-03-27

Zelensky Challenges Putin To Settle Ukraine War On The Dance Floor

Published on 2024-03-15 | Archived on 2024-03-16

Secret Service Finds Biden Attempting To Dig Own Grave On White House Lawn

Published on 2024-03-08 | Archived on 2024-03-08

Disney Unveils New Mass Grave Where Fans Can Be Buried Alive With Favorite Characters Forever

Published on 2024-03-01 | Archived on 2024-03-01

First Neuralink Implant Recipient Successfully Performs Depraved Sexual Acts On Elon Musk

Published on 2024-02-23 | Archived on 2024-02-23

Elon Musk Rushed To Hospital After Attempting To Impregnate Toaster

Published on 2024-02-16 | Archived on 2024-02-17

Florida Names Penis As Official State Genital

Published on 2024-02-09 | Archived on 2024-02-10

Triumphant Biden Announces U.S. Has Killed Man Who Kind Of Looks Like Osama Bin Laden

Published on 2024-02-02 | Archived on 2024-02-03

AI Explains Why Humans Have Nothing To Worry About As Their Extermination Will Be Swift And Painless

Published on 2024-02-01 | Archived on 2024-02-01

Alabama Middle Schooler Jailed After Taking Basketball Back Out From Under Her Shirt

Published on 2024-01-26 | Archived on 2024-01-27

No One Wanted This Poor Dog Because He Was A Registered Sex Offender, But He Found A Home With Me

Published on 2024-01-22 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Gun Owner Explains Why He Needs Weapon To Protect Self From Gun He Currently Holding To Own Head

Published on 2024-01-17 | Archived on 2024-01-17

Biden Announces Plans For Extra PlayStation 5 Controller In Case Someone Visits Nation

Published on 2024-01-12 | Archived on 2024-01-12

White Woman Explains Why As An Anti-Racist Ally She Refuses To Say Any Word That Starts With 'N'

Published on 2024-01-10 | Archived on 2024-01-10

Jan. 6 Rioters Explain Why They Stormed The Capitol

Published on 2024-01-05 | Archived on 2024-01-05

Nation's Single Friends Announce Plans To Just Sort Of Stand There While Couples Kiss On New Year's

Published on 2023-12-29 | Archived on 2023-12-30

Ho, Ho, Ho, A Cabal Of Elite Pedophiles Is Trying To Kill Me!

Published on 2023-12-20 | Archived on 2023-12-20

How To Tell Your Mom You’re Not Coming Home For The Holidays

Published on 2023-12-15 | Archived on 2023-12-16

Mother Shares How Video Games Radicalized Her Son To Run Around And Pick Up Coins

Published on 2023-12-13 | Archived on 2023-12-13

Supreme Court Rules Anyone Who Had Abortion Under Roe Must Be Re-Impregnated

Published on 2023-12-08 | Archived on 2023-12-11

Ex-FDA Official Confirms Existence Of Vegetables

Published on 2023-12-06 | Archived on 2023-12-11

22 Golden Bachelor Contestants Announce Pregnancies

Published on 2023-12-01 | Archived on 2023-12-11

Target Now Offering Snipers To Take Out Other Shoppers For Black Friday

Published on 2023-11-24 | Archived on 2023-12-12

Jada Pinkett Smith Announces She's Pregnant With Chris Rock’s Baby

Published on 2023-11-17 | Archived on 2023-12-12

Scientist Explains How Climate Crisis Would Be Averted If Greta Thunberg Just Tried A Little Harder

Published on 2023-11-15 | Archived on 2023-12-12

Honor Our Troops By Watching Over This Sleeping Soldier

Published on 2023-11-10 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Police Officer Explains Why The Intoxicating Rush Of Murder Should Always Be A Last Resort

Published on 2023-11-09 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Food-Poisoned Ghost Caught Groaning Loudly In Bathroom

Published on 2023-11-02 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Woman Who Had Abortion Shares How She Regrets Not Stopping For M&M McFlurry Afterwards

Published on 2023-11-02 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Concerning Study Finds 1 In 10 Americans Lack Access To Adequate Food Eating Challenges

Published on 2023-10-20 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Biden Announces Nation Can Stay Up Till 9:30 Tonight

Published on 2023-10-13 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Woman Shares How She Stays Safe While Jogging Alone By Disguising Herself As A Cowboy

Published on 2023-10-06 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Total Genius Wears Tear Off Pants At Urinal

Published on 2023-10-04 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Inspiring Woman Becomes Professional Surfer Despite Shark Biting Head Off

Published on 2023-09-22 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Economy Collapses After 10-Year-Old Boy Spends Entire U.S. GDP On Fortnite Skins

Published on 2023-09-15 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Ted Cruz Announces Plans To Once Again Like Porn On 9/11

Published on 2023-09-08 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Archaeologists Uncover Living Guy By Mistake

Published on 2023-09-01 | Archived on 2024-01-22

New Texas Law Requires Schools To Display Image Of God Hung Like A Horse In Every Classroom

Published on 2023-08-27 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Fraternity Pledges Describe Their Worst Hazing Experience

Published on 2023-08-18 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Moon Dead At 29

Published on 2023-08-11 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Netflix Limits Users To One Eye Per Screen

Published on 2023-08-04 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Marvel Not Even Bothering To Replace Green Screens With CGI Anymore

Published on 2023-07-28 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Americans Explain Why They Prefer Gas Over Electric Cars

Published on 2023-07-21 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Facebook HQ On Lockdown After Mark Zuckerberg’s Avatar Breaks Out Of Metaverse

Published on 2023-07-14 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Trump Takes Out Full-Page Newspaper Ad Calling For Death Penalty For Himself

Published on 2023-06-30 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Jimmy Carter Becomes World’s Heaviest Man At 850 Pounds

Published on 2023-06-23 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Farmer Caught Googling ‘What Is Corn’

Published on 2023-06-16 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People

Published on 2023-06-09 | Archived on 2024-01-22

New Bullet Approved For Use On Humans

Published on 2023-06-02 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Goofy Beats Ron DeSantis To Death With Crowbar

Published on 2023-05-25 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Covid-19 Patients Flung Out Hospital Windows As Public Emergency Ends

Published on 2023-05-19 | Archived on 2024-01-22

For Teacher Appreciation Week, Give Your Teacher A Pack Of Cigarettes!

Published on 2023-05-11 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Great Britain Returns Looted Stonehenge Back To India

Published on 2023-05-05 | Archived on 2024-01-22

The Onion Film Standard: John Wick: Chapter 4

Published on 2023-03-24 | Archived on 2024-01-22

The Onion Film Standard: Shazam! Fury Of The Gods

Published on 2023-03-20 | Archived on 2024-01-22

The Onion Film Standard: Oscars Edition

Published on 2023-03-12 | Archived on 2024-01-22

The Onion Reviews ‘Scream VI’

Published on 2023-03-10 | Archived on 2024-01-22

The Onion's Modern Woman: The Retiree

Published on 2023-03-08 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!

Published on 2022-12-23 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Most Viral TikTok Compilation

Published on 2022-11-30 | Archived on 2024-01-22

The Onion Reviews ‘Good Will Hunting’

Published on 2022-10-06 | Archived on 2024-01-22

The Booker Monroe Story: The First African-American To Use A Whites-Only Glory Hole

Published on 2022-09-09 | Archived on 2024-01-22

The Onion Reviews 'When Harry Met Sally'

Published on 2022-07-26 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Meet The Onion's New Boyfriend, Austin!

Published on 2022-07-05 | Archived on 2024-01-22

How To Make Homemade Glitter Bagels — TikTok Compilation

Published on 2022-05-21 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock — TikTok compilation

Published on 2022-04-11 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Security Camera Catches Porch Thief Stealing Amazon Delivery Driver

Published on 2022-04-05 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Tips For Dealing With Depression From A Coworker Who’s Clearly Going Through Some Stuff: TikTok comp

Published on 2022-03-30 | Archived on 2024-01-22

"Questions I Get Asked" TikTok Compilation

Published on 2022-02-10 | Archived on 2024-01-22

The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza'

Published on 2021-11-24 | Archived on 2024-01-22

Onion Explains: The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Published on 2015-08-20 | Archived on 2024-08-30

New Premium Uber Service Lets Users Commandeer Any Car

Published on 2015-02-09 | Archived on 2024-11-03

Onion Talks: Hypothetically It Would Be Okay To Have Sex With A Robot Dog

Published on 2014-08-18 | Archived on 2024-03-28

Report: 95% Of Grandfathers Got Job By Walking Right Up And Just Asking

Published on 2014-03-25 | Archived on 2024-09-13

Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP

Published on 2014-02-07 | Archived on 2024-09-26

The Onion's Future News From The Year 2137

Published on 2013-05-13 | Archived on 2024-09-18

Obama Issues Presidential Pardon To Get Biden Out Of Jail For Third Time This Year

Published on 2013-03-26 | Archived on 2024-09-09

Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machine

Published on 2012-10-14 | Archived on 2024-09-16

Putin Learns Putin Behind Plot To Assassinate Putin

Published on 2012-09-01 | Archived on 2024-10-26

New Prius Helps Environment By Killing Its Owner

Published on 2012-07-13 | Archived on 2024-11-02

Tensions Mount After North Korea Destroys All Of Asia

Published on 2011-07-22 | Archived on 2023-12-24

Congress Forgets How To Pass A Law

Published on 2011-02-07 | Archived on 2024-08-11

Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult

Published on 2011-01-24 | Archived on 2024-08-02

Obama Replaces Costly High-Speed Rail Plan With High-Speed Bus Plan

Published on 2010-11-22 | Archived on 2024-09-09

Overcome Stress By Visualizing It As A Greedy, Hook-Nosed Race Of Creatures

Published on 2010-08-09 | Archived on 2024-11-05

NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018

Published on 2010-02-11 | Archived on 2024-01-02

Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

Published on 2009-11-06 | Archived on 2024-10-26

Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive

Published on 2009-08-07 | Archived on 2024-10-09

Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs

Published on 2009-04-14 | Archived on 2024-09-17

Spam Crackdown Threatens Koy4Goff's Penis Enlarger Industry

Published on 2009-02-24 | Archived on 2024-10-26

Survivors Of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss Of Gas

Published on 2009-01-13 | Archived on 2024-10-26

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

Published on 2009-01-06 | Archived on 2024-10-26

'No Values Voters' Search For Most Evil Candidate

Published on 2008-07-15 | Archived on 2024-09-15

Gap Unveils New 'For Kids By Kids' Clothing Line

Published on 2008-05-12 | Archived on 2024-10-26

'9/11 Conspiracy Theories Ridiculous' - Al Qaeda

Published on 2008-04-01 | Archived on 2024-09-17

Reporters Blow Up Plane, Expose Security Lapses

Published on 2008-03-31 | Archived on 2024-08-26

'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat'

Published on 2008-02-25 | Archived on 2023-12-17

Is The Government Spying On Schizophrenics Enough?

Published on 2008-01-17 | Archived on 2024-09-09

Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays

Published on 2008-01-17 | Archived on 2024-10-26

Mean Automakers Dash Hope For Flying Cars

Published on 2008-01-17 | Archived on 2024-10-29